Father Can You Hear Me?

Father
For 19 years, 4 months and 3 days I waited
I waited for that feeling a girl gets when she can say…
That’s my daddy
That pride I’m supposed to get from parading you around my friends
Showing you off and knowing that you’re the best and no else’s dad can surpass
19 years, 4 months and 3 days I’ve cried
I’ve cried because the moments when I needed a man in my life
I had to be reduced to finding just any man
I’m still waiting for the threats that you’re going to give to the guy who dares to court me
I want to cuddle in your arms and tell you how I have been hurt so many times
How I have let myself be used and played, and toyed and mistreated by
A man, a man who I thought would be enough, just enough to fill that void left by you
Everyday I wish that you would understand my distance from you
I wish that you knew how much I love you
But I can’t bring myself to say these words because I’m afraid that too much time has passed
I’m afraid that we will never be able to have the relationship I seek
I want you to treat me like the daughter I want to be
And know that material things will suffice not
I try to forgive, forget and move on hoping that we can start from this point on.
But I cant.
The pain I felt for so many years disables me from moving forward
I blame you for not being there when I was hurt.
I blame you for not being there to protect me from the times when I was subjected to be less than I was.
How can I forgive you for that?
I want you to hug me and hold me so tight that I know you mean it.
I want you to hold me so close that I know you wont ever leave me or walk out of my life.
I want to believe that you are here to stay but no man has ever stayed in my life and I fear you will walk back out.
I wish you could hear what I have to say
I wish you could hear what I feel and see the fears I have.
I wish you could be here to soothe my fears and tell me all is going to be ok.
I want you to understand that I want you to be daddy and not just father.
I want you to hear me.
Daddy do you hear me and will you listen?

MonaLisa

The Creature Outside The Girl Inside

The Day I put away my façade
Would you stand by the real me?
Would you understand the walls I have up?
You know not what I carry inside
Would you stick around to find out?
Would you understand these walls are up to protect me from the creature
The person I am is the creature I fear to walk away from
It has been there as my capturer and my protector
And without it
I may just be an empty shell
There may not be an existence without it.
If I shed the layers and layers of layers…
What will be left but the core of a girl that once was
Tears come from the girl that is lost in all these layers and layers of layers…
But she goes unnoticed 1800 Missing reports a lost cause
She might as well be reported 1800 Dead n Gone
Who would she be to you?
Who would she be to me?
But the memory of what was.
I found her once.
That once was years ago when she owned her own shell.
Now she is nothing but a prisoner…locked up.
Developing Stockholms Syndrome and afraid to run
Because all she knows is this creature that is now what I am.
This creature, that for years has allowed other capturers to use this girl.
Now the only protection is the haven of this shell
Under the layers and layers of layers
What if this creature releases this girl as she now is?
Years of prayers for freedom finally heard, would she now go?
Would she take the escape route given?
Or would she stick around and continue to submit herself
Submit herself to more years of torture by this creature.
So would you help this girl?
Would you tame the creature holding her captive?
And persuade the girl to free herself
Or would you turn your back and deny her reach for your help.
Would you deny my attempt to put away this creature’s façade?
And show you the real me
And would you help me remove these layers and layers of layers
So that as I remove these layers and layers of layers
The hurt and pain goes with the layers
Releasing me from myself the creature setting free the captive girl inside me.

MonaLisa

Revamping My Blog

So i haven't updated my blog since...May 29, 2009. Well, over the next few days i plan to change the focus of my blog to make it more personally relevant and more about what i feel is important to me rather than anything else.

It will be less news and entertainment and more insight and thoughts. I look forward to your comments as i delve further into my purpose for being here...wherever here is...

Speak your piece of mind: A Picture is worth a thousand words...

I came upon these images over the past few days some from acquaintances some by accident. How do you feel about said images? I shall not comment because of the mixed emotions from them all.

Speak Your Piece: What would you do for money if you were on your last dollar?

What would you do for money if you were on your last dollar?

Ok so look to the right, you'll see a poll, Take It…

I have been going through some real financial struggles as of late. So this has been front and foremost on my mind. What would I do for money? Trust I have thought about a lot.

First I thought selling sex. Yes I did (you can shake your head) I went as far as to research credible companies that would take me and represent me. However around this same time I was brought aware of a peer of mines who had a video released and well, I could never deal with the fact people may find out. I also could definitely not look at myself after knowing that I had been lowered to having sex for money. My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Then I told myself, maybe if I don’t sell sex I could make the appearance of that I was selling sex. This is where the idea came of putting my web cam to use. In other words I would make an account and talk to people, flirt, whatever and have them pay me for my company. In other words be either an escort or an online company. Again I shot that idea down because frankly what if someone I knew decided they needed some company and got on and saw me. Yeah between that and my morals (damn you morals) I couldn’t do it. Again my mama didn’t raise no fool.

I thought about selling drugs. Then I realized that I cant do jail. Not to say I would get caught cause I don’t think I would. Who would think that I would even be involved with such activities J Anyway this is why I thought that I could do it. Then I thought about the fact that I like my freedom. Jail may have free living, insurance and food. I just want to be able to walk out of my residence, which I can’t do in jail. Again after really, really, really contemplating I decided my mama didn’t raise no fool.

After contemplating multiple other means of acquiring funds I came to the same conclusion in them all. Hence why I am still broke. In summary my mama didn’t raise no fool.

So now I ask you, what would YOU do for money if you were dead broke?
I need some ideas because I am broke. O don’t suggest donating Plasma because I can’t donate till September, apparently I was too honest on the donor information form. Boo hoo to me.

Psst. Remember the poll.

My Piece of mind...Lost Innocence

What happened to that innocence i once possessed
It was that time of no care in the world
That time when to me the world was a big place i was gonna take over
Become a policewoman, a teacher and a lawyer all at the same time
Years late i yearn for that innocence
I stay up at night reminiscing on those times
Saddened by the reality of the memories fading
When did it all change is the rhetorical question i ask myself?
I have no answers
Then again im not supposed to
I was once told that all innocence is lost when you see the truth of the world we live in
Me, it could be the truths that hapened to me
The harsh realities of my life
What i experienced
My reality was the thief of my innocence
Too bad its forever gone.
I dont think i ever had it.

Speak your piece of mind...8 year old boy to live as girl

I am not usually at a loss for words. Wait let me stop. I am a lot but usually i can think about it. But my mind is blank and no words come to mind. I just want to know what are your thoughts after watching the video:

1. Should the parents let the child make this decision?
2. Do you agree with the parents decision to go along with the child?
3. "you are never at piece if your inside doesn't match the inside"? true or false
4. What would you do if this was your child?
5. Should schools allow children who are trans-gender to socialize with their peers? And do you think it will have any effect on their peers?

What do you think overall. This is truly a unique situation and just because you may not agree, doesnt mean you should judge. However...speak your piece...

Dance For Your Piece of Mind: Jerkin'

So yes there is a new dance craze called Jerking. No not "jerking off" but Jerking and no the dance does not involve jerkin off motions or anything such as.

Basically Jerkin' is a music/dance movement that was started in Los Angeles, CA. It can be compared to the "Hyphy Movement". Jerkin combines leg movements to upper body movements. It was first popularized by Long Beach/Los Angeles City High Schools. Some of These high schools including Westchester, Long Beach Poly, Fairfax, Pasadena, Cabrillo, Jordan, and more uploaded videos on YouTube that started a West Coast craze. Now it has gained nation wide attention reaching places such as Washington. Artists such as New Boyz, Cold Flamez, YG, Tay Pushaz, J Hawk have also aided in this dance movement more popular as they have made music that people jerk to.

Now it has definitely reached Florida where i first heard about it from a group of friends i had in High School who are now seniors and have a Dance Clique named Prep Kidz made a video of them jerking. I must admit at first i was skeptical about this because i figured it was just another move that was gonna come and go. However it grew on me and when my friends uploaded a 2nd video which seemed more put together i was intrigued. Furthermore popular choreographer J.R. Taylor uploaded a video of his class Jerkin and after watching i thought maybe there is more to this. However check it out. I have the video of my friends who all go to LAKE WEIR HIGH SCHOOL my alma mater and no im not going to make you famous as they think but they will get shout outs:

PREPKIDZ JERKIN MINI MOVIE

The second video is credited to J.R. Taylor and he also has a blog
J.R. Taylor Didnt Invite Me Blog
check it out.

Music For Your Piece of Mind...Richgirl - He Aint With Me Now (Tho)

So here is one of the newest R&B Female Groups Richgirl made up of Audra, Brave, Lyndriette and Seven. So far female groups in the industry haven't really been doing well as far as longevity is concerned. The only other girl group that had a lasting career was Destiny Child. Since they broke up its as if the longevity of female groups span only average 1-2 years with maybe 2-5 hits and that is all. So from myself to them Good Luck and make the right decisions with your careers. Here is the first single from their self titled album due to be released in Summer of 2009, "He Aint With Me (Tho)" produced by Rich Harrison.

Now You Know: I Can Do Bad All By Myself Movie

Tyler Perry is back again with his newest Stage to Screen movie starring Madea with I can do bad all by myself set to be released September 11, 2009 by Lionsgate Films. Starring
Adam Rodriguez, Taraji P. Henson, Tyler Perry, Hope Olaide Wilson and Mary J. Blige pictured below.


In this newest release, Madea finds a teenager and her 2 younger brothers breaking into her home and takes matters into her own hands in her own unique way as she always does. She takes these kids back to their relatives’ home where resides their aunt April who herself is a drunk and a night club singer. April lives off of her boyfriend who is married and neither wants anything to do with the kids. After April allows Sandino, a Mexican immigrant looking for work to move into her basement. Sandino begins to aid in change for April. This then lets April realize that she needs to make a lot of important choices in her life leading to a better future for her nieces and nephews, herself and her life.

As usual you know Tyler Perry is going to bring the humor, the drama, the craziness but in the end you know that you walk away with a lesson learned. Again look out for this movie coming out September 11, 2009.

Now You Know: Precious Movie

This new drama release by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry set to be released November 6, 2009 running time being 1hr 49min Lionsgate Films and not yet rated.

Directed by Lee Daniels this movie is based on the novel Push by Sapphire. The book is about an overweight African-American teen who is also illiterate and from Harlem, NY being raised in an abusive home.

With little hope for her future (Gabourey "gabbie" Sidibe) who plays Clareece "Precious" Jones is giving birth to her second child and she is accepted into an alternative school. There at this school she meets 2 individuals (Paula Patton) her teacher and from (Lenny Kravitz) the nurse and she receives a chance to start over.

Look out for this powerful movie that is sure to be a good watch if it lives up to the book. I know i will be looking forward to the release of this movie. I can only hope that there is enough money put into the advertising of this movie and it deosnt flop like other movies with majority black casts have done in the past few years ie. Cadillac Records. Just saying...

Educate your piece of mind: Protect Yourself

As of today over 100 individuals have died from the swine flu now referred to as H1N1 Influenza Virus in attempts to sway negative attitudes towards the pig industry and to stop the slaying of millions of pigs worldwide.

However over 100 individuals have died from H1N1 Influenza Virus resulting in everybody wearing face masks to protect themselves...However millions upon millions have been infected and have died from HIV but condom usage is still a rarity...

hmmm, educate your piece of mind...

My piece of mind: Case of The Blues...Taking It Back to 2005....

Part 1
I've got...a case of the blues
Cause all my life I've seen the Used and abused
Its created a whole in my heart
And distrust on my part
Ive...got a case of the blues
Cause while walking through the "ghetto", I hear a gunshot
Only to find out, its over pot.
I've got a case of the blues
Cause on the 10 O'Clock news
A baby left for dead and no one had a clue
ive got a case of the blues
Cause i see babies having babies
But the mothers are forgetting to be ladies
Ive got a case of the blues
Because the mothers are spreading legs
And they just keep on dropping eggs
Ive got a case of the blues
Cause the cycle keeps repeating
And the daddies keep on leaving
ive got a case of the blues
Cause as i sit and write these words...
I dont know what I can do...Do you?
I've got a case of the blues
Cause as I look ahead in life
All i can see is nothing but strife.

Part 2
My Daddy got shot for coming up short on a thugs money
My mama opened her legs for a hit of crack
My ssiter sold her soul to be a thuglords honey
Me...I got the short end of the stick
So here I am...A fugitive from Justice
A second generation crack addicted trick
A product of my ghetto community
Some may ask "what happened?"
It could have been a result of the numerous foster homes
It could have been the violation from my 'dad's'
It could have been the lack of a stable home
Or it could have been the hopelessness and deferred dreams
Am I forced to live my life like this
Is there a chance for me?
Can i ever see a light?I intend to put up a fight
Because I no longer see a life of strife
But one without strife, one i call My Life

Serenity

Speak your piece of mind: When is it time to just call it quits......

Remember to Take the poll to the right :)

What We Had

I see the dignity in you
I see the love in you
I see the hurt in you
I care about you
I miss the love we shared
I miss the honesty we shared

I miss the compassion we shared

Can anything go back to normal?

I miss the talks we had

I miss the friendship we had

I miss the closeness we had

Can anything be the same?

When I left, I felt all our memories go
When I left, there was a hole in my heart
When I left there was a loss of you
I wish I could turn back the hands of time
Make everything go back to normal
But I can't and neither can you.

I cant say this blog hasn't been inspired by whats going around me so im just gonna go ahead and thank my friends all around me. They have allowed me to see so many different relationships, how they have been handled and allowed me some insight into writing this.

When is enough is enough? When do you take a look at your relationship, whether it be a friendship, a sexual relationship, a committed relationship. Do you acknowledge the faults in your relationship, try to fix them as a couple? or Do you wait until you are sleeping next to a stranger?

What do you consider when contemplating the end of your relationship? How long have you been in this relationship, how do you feel about this person? Where are you in your personal life and is it better to stick through the rough times.

What do you all believe. For me Im a patient person and i always give someone 3 chances. If you actually make it to 3 chances im not even going to say enough, im just going to pack up everything and walk away. I dont want to sleep next to a stranger because i may just fear that you're going to one day realize that you dont want to see me happy with someone else and suffocate me with my own pillow in my sleep, I think not. This 3 chances i should stress only applies if im in a commited relationship and not a marriage.

With a marriage or a decade long relationship, i think those deserve more consideration and work. You made an oath to love each other through rich or poor thick and thin...unfortunately till death (sidenote: IF i do get married...that will not be in my oath) However, when do you call it quits in a marriage?

So speak your piece...

**Next Blog on Deck: The other woman/man or Baby Mama Drama--take the poll**